The grandchild from hell!

[wiccawench]

you know, it has got to get to where it's ok in our society for people to just say they don't like kids.
some people don't like little kids and if they could say that without feeling like they were a pariah, maybe less kids would be put into places where they could get into trouble.
there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend a lot of time with a little kid.
I like kids myself, but, my husband is not a kid person. And that's ok.
I respect that.
so, if a person doesn't feel like they are up to the stress of being around children, they should be able to say so without others believing that they are monsters or something.

of course!

but it should be an "I" message...... not a YOU ARE A MEAN LITTLE BOY type of thing....... that is not really a problem to to blame a 3 yr old ? goes waaaay too far.

If you don't like kids.... that is fine. But if you have a personality conflict.... recognize it as the adult in the relationship.

[Chickengirl]

I used to be, but I am less and less a kid person. When parents let them run wild, I simply don't understand it. Maybe I'm not a parent person.

I'm not a parent person some days either 

but I don't think it was a case of not liking kids here  just not really connecting in a way that was helpful for grandparents OR child.

[Grower]

I have to say I wouldn't have said that to a three year old. But I would have thought it.

[Chickengirl]

I have to say I wouldn't have said that to a three year old. But I would have thought it.

I've thought it (about my own child) too - but wouldn't say it either 

from what I know of you on here Grower, I don't think i would have any qualms about you watching my kids - on either end

[Grower]

THAT is a very great compliment. Thank you very much CG. 

[Dasha]

but it should be an "I" message...... not a YOU ARE A MEAN LITTLE BOY type of thing.......

We did a Non-Violent Communication course with our homeschooling group (my my, but we were hippie folk  ) It was a bit over-the-top for my liking, but the underlying principle was good.

The idea is that you use 'I' sentences instead of 'You' sentences... as in 'I feel upset when I'm not being heard' instead of 'You never listen to me'. No one can argue effectively against your emotion - it is what it is - but they can argue with what you say they are doing.

I found that when I used the technique with my daughters, the situation was diffused quickly. Of course, there's always the problem that you're just too damned mad to remember to do it!

[pamela]

you know, it has got to get to where it's ok in our society for people to just say they don't like kids.
some people don't like little kids and if they could say that without feeling like they were a pariah, maybe less kids would be put into places where they could get into trouble.
there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend a lot of time with a little kid.
I like kids myself, but, my husband is not a kid person. And that's ok.
I respect that.
so, if a person doesn't feel like they are up to the stress of being around children, they should be able to say so without others believing that they are monsters or something.

of course!

but it should be an "I" message...... not a YOU ARE A MEAN LITTLE BOY type of thing....... that is not really a problem to to blame a 3 yr old ? goes waaaay too far.

If you don't like kids.... that is fine. But if you have a personality conflict.... recognize it as the adult in the relationship.

Oh I agree Red.
I was mainly saying that if people felt more comfortable saying they didn't like being around children, then it would stop a lot of problems before they get started.

[Dot]

^^ 'I' will have to remember that technique so 'I' can use it on my husband! Mmmwwahhh

[olympia]

I think people could have stood to chill with the OP also.  Yeah, the way she acted with her grandkid wasn't ideal, perhaps, but people acted like she was whipping him with knives.  I think sometimes you react to a kid's behavior- even if you're an adult, and capable of acting like one -as you would to any other human's behavior.  I know that when my nephew was littler, and going through a face hitting phase, being smacked by him on the face would put me in an instant bad mood.  My thought, irrational as it may have been in terms of a 1-year-old's behavior, was, "I just expect my fellow humans to treat me better!"  I always managed to do without smacking him back (tempting as it was  ), or yelling at him, but I can see how I might have snapped and done that.  Kids are DIFFICULT.

[heathenmom]

you know, it has got to get to where it's ok in our society for people to just say they don't like kids.
some people don't like little kids and if they could say that without feeling like they were a pariah, maybe less kids would be put into places where they could get into trouble.
there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend a lot of time with a little kid.
I like kids myself, but, my husband is not a kid person. And that's ok.
I respect that.
so, if a person doesn't feel like they are up to the stress of being around children, they should be able to say so without others believing that they are monsters or something.

Totally agree with this, but it's not the case with the op.  She says in at least one of her posts that she enjoys taking care of her other grandchildren; it's just this ONE kid that's "from hell."  That being said, I certainly wasn't trying to drive her off.  She's clearly got FAR more experience with kid-raising than I do (we're just 5 years into the parenting thing, and most days I wonder how the hell I'm going to pull it off  )!

My parents watch our kids a LOT.  They have differing opinions on child-rearing than we do.  They respect our parenting and would never do something that they know we'd disapprove of, but they freely offer advice.  And I feel free to take it.  Or not.     My parents were not my friends when I was a child.  They were very firm and brooked no nonsense.  There's a LOT more discussion between me and my daughters than there ever was between me and my mom at that stage.  I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, but as we say in my family, you do the best you can with the information you have, and when you know better, you do better.  It's kind of hard for me to disagree too strongly with the way I was raised, since I had such a fantastic childhood and grew up to be a responsible, productive adult.

[ReddDogg]

Chickengirl:

Ok, I admit it.  the kid might be a saint until the grandparents from hell takes him away from his parents and then makes every mistake in the book as soon as the kid starts to get upset.  Or he might be a hellion with terrible parents.  I don't know, you don't know, and we are just guessing based on the very limited info we received from, as you correctly pointed out, a biased person.

I will agree wholeheartedly with everyone that Observer did not handle it right.  I am of the opinion that her and her husband could have almost certainly made the weekend far more tolerable no matter the situation, assuming the kid really isn't a special needs kid with major issues.

The I - You theory makes a lot of sense to me.  Kids are amazingly perceptive, and are just little versions of adults with some quirks.

[prepbuff]

Okay, I just finished seeing a 3 year old child from hell in the clinic.  I couldn't help but think of the OP.

This monster (and I am not being euphemistic) screamed shrilly, tore up the exam room, fought tooth and nail when I tried to look in ears and mouth, bit his [idiot] mother (I got out of the way just in time) -- and was "disciplined" with "oh honey, please sit down now."  "No don't do that, dear".  etc etc.

Might be the OP's grandson, for all I know.   I couldn't wait to get out of the room.

Okay, some kids are just born bad.  Or born to idiot parents.  There were a dozen ways that kid could have been controlled -- or properly socialized -- but the parents weren't doing it. 

Saying to that kid, "I am hurt by your actions" or some other new agey equivalent would have fallen on deaf ears -- or ears deafened by the screaming and sound of things clanging against the wall.  I seriously doubt the kid could comprehend "other" anyway -- people were just his tools.

No excuses.  The kid will grow up to be a serial killer or a politician. (Or both.) 

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL THE PARENTS THEY FAILED THE PARENTING TEST.  AND WHUP THE TAR OUT OF THAT KID. 
_{or load him up of psych meds [coming from someone who despises psych meds for kids]}

Calling him the brat that he is won't harm his little psyche one bit -- because he can't listen. 


PS: Kids are NOT little versions of adults.  Their brains are not developed to understand concepts like "time" or "responsibility".  Firm parenting and rule setting during the first 5 years makes the following 50 years a lot easier on the rest of us -- because by age 5 the personality is pretty well set. 

[Dasha]

I get a chill down my spine when someone suggests whupping the tar out of a child, even if just in jest.

[LuaHasFreedom]

When I was three years old, my father started sexually abusing me. It is not my shame. It is his shame. To refuse to acknowledge that it happened (to be secretive about it) would be to own it myself. I refuse to do so. But, at the time, no one listened to a three year old child. I became uncontrollable in my rages. I hit, screamed, bit - anything to scream out to my world that something was wrong. No one listened. My mother figured out that the way to calm me down was to smother me until I passed out. She did that hundreds of time. Every time, I died. It is, literally, a feeling of dying. To this day, one hint that I'm in a position where I cannot breathe and I go nuts.

When I was eight years old, I was in the hospital for the first of many kidney infections (common in sexually abused children) and a team of five people came in one day to get blood out of my arm. No warning. No explanations. No understanding talk. Just four people grabbing an arm and a leg each, and a fifth jabbing a needle into my arm - five times before I figured out I'd better stop my desperate struggles to escape and held still. That single experience created a phobia for needles that lasts to this day.

When I was ten years old, I bit my mother because she was holding me in a vice grip up against her chest while the "doctor" was pulling my pants down from the back and sticking a needle into my butt. I had been pulled out from under the table, which was the only place I could see to escape from them. I had made a valiant effort to get out of the room anyway I could, including hitting, screaming, pinching, biting - you name it. The only thought in my mind was escape. Remember, I was ten. Not three.

I have finally joined this foray because I am sickened to death by anyone - ANYONE blaming the three year old. If a three year old is a terror, there is a reason. Whatever the reason is, it is not the three year old's fault. The people to blame are the adults in the life of that child.

[Dot]

That's beyond fucking barbaric Lua, I pray you find/have peace.