Anti-Adoption

[kjeriah]

Both of my kids were born to women in very difficult positions.  Neither of them should have stayed with their original mothers.  That said, I am not a perfect mom, as no bio mom is perfect.  But it is patently ridiculous to suppose that a stable couple who went through all the hoops necessary to adopt in this country might not be a little more competent than the wide variety of women in crisis pregnancies.

On the subject of an adopted kid knowing his or her birthparents:  My son's birthmom was a very welcome part of our lives until she unexpectedly passed away when my son was seven.  He is well settled in our family and comfortable with who he is.  Our daughter, however, has not seen her b-mom since she was one, so doesn't remember her.  She is the child who talks about adoption, and periodically has to work out who is the "real mother" and who may not be.  I don't know if it is just their personalities or the difference in their relationship to their birthfamilies.  But the contrast is striking.

[lodo_bear]

On the subject of an adopted kid knowing his or her birthparents:  My son's birthmom was a very welcome part of our lives until she unexpectedly passed away when my son was seven.  He is well settled in our family and comfortable with who he is.  Our daughter, however, has not seen her b-mom since she was one, so doesn't remember her.  She is the child who talks about adoption, and periodically has to work out who is the "real mother" and who may not be.  I don't know if it is just their personalities or the difference in their relationship to their birthfamilies.  But the contrast is striking.

I'm no expert, but that hasn't stopped me before, so...
Your son got to meet and remember his birth mother and his adoptive mother, so he knew his full parentage and he got to choose which one is his "real mother". Your daughter never got to build memories of her birth mother, so half of her heritage is missing, and she never got the choice as to which one she wanted to hold most dear. I think I can see why she has to work out who her "real mother" is - with one mother dead and gone, she has a hard time figuring out which mother is best.

[April]

I think it makes logiical sense that closeted adoptions led to rensetment. I know a person would have the best of intentions if they, as suggested earlier, just told their adopted child that the bio parents died in a car crash, but I imagine a lie on that scale would haunt all involved. My impression of the anti-adotpion message was that -there was a major underlying theme of adult adoptees being bitter about not knowing where they came from, and I wonder if the more modern approach to being honest about adotion and biological parents will mean the newer generation of adoptees have less baggage about this.

On a different note, the article mentioned "permanent guardianship" as the *obvious* alternative in situations where bio parents were abusive, on grounds that it was more respectful to the child. That struck me as odd - I can't imagine a child being denied the normalcy of a family, and parents, not to mention being so differentiated when compared to the "permanent guardian's" bio kids as a respectful choice. Is permanent orphan status kinder? I can't fathom that it is.

[Jackson]

To all you adoptive parents...you are the true heros of our time!  My husband and I tried...but were in a custody battle for his daughter's at the time..so it didn't work out.  It is a selfless and admirable cause...I sincerly applaud you!

[kermujin]

http://www.antiadoption.org/

I recently stumbled across this and was a bit flabbergasted. We have considered adoption, but never considered this side of the issue.

Fuck 'em. I'm adopted. Never considered myself 'lost' to adoption. Jesus. 

[kermujin]

Adoption, like abortion, infanticide, and welfare, do provide an "out" whereby people can offset part or all the responsibility of having children, and therefore tend to make those decisions more lightly.

Seems to me, however, that adoption is about the least bad of the options, in that it's bad only in that it allows a few people to have a child and not take responsibility--like babies from the third world adopted out to first world countries (a number of my friends are like that).  I'd speculate that in the majority of the cases in the US, it's not folks having too many kids and deciding to get rid of one, it's a matter of people who didn't even intend to have a child in the first place (whether or not their actions presented that risk).

And what about people (like, perhaps, myself) who can't have children with their chosen spouse?  Are they supposed to just suck it up, and children have to stay with parents that don't want them?

It's NOT an 'easy out.' As an adopted adult, and as a (single) mum, there can be nothing easy about carrying a baby to term and then ... giving it up.

Unless you're directly involved, as with abortion and such, you have no say and no real empathy. (Tang, that's a general 'you', not a Tang 'you')

[kermujin]

There is also this to consider - adoptive children are unappreciative of their adoptive parents as all they care about are their human rights in finding who their real parents are, even though they may be skag addict junkies or child molestors.

Uh, wtf are you talking about? Some adoptive children actually, you know, LOVE their parents. Jeez.

[houseoftang]

It's NOT an 'easy out.' As an adopted adult, and as a (single) mum, there can be nothing easy about carrying a baby to term and then ... giving it up.

I never said it was an "easy" out.  But it's an out.  An option.

[kermujin]

It's NOT an 'easy out.' As an adopted adult, and as a (single) mum, there can be nothing easy about carrying a baby to term and then ... giving it up.

I never said it was an "easy" out.  But it's an out.  An option.

OK. Sorry to fuss at you. I *ahem* feel a bit strongly about the issue.

[houseoftang]

OK. Sorry to fuss at you. I *ahem* feel a bit strongly about the issue.

Yeah, I kinda noticed    No worries.

[April]

http://www.antiadoption.org/

I recently stumbled across this and was a bit flabbergasted. We have considered adoption, but never considered this side of the issue.

Fuck 'em. I'm adopted. Never considered myself 'lost' to adoption. Jesus. 

Do you know any adopted adults who do feel this way? I imagine it is minority, but it's impossible to say I suppose.