Where the hell do they find these losers?! *Update*

[golddust]

I'm sorry golddust if this sounds mean but is this person really worth all this? I read this whole thing and I don't see that this sounds like somebody that is going to benefit you in the long run. I hate to be cold but a friendship is mutually beneficial and this just doesn't sound much like that. I would say walk on my friend, see what lies at the next hilltop. For every person you waste your valuable friendship on there might be another who would make it worthwhile for you both. Sometimes letting go is easy. 

It's not mean. Everyone has said "what's the point? Why do you want to be her friend" and it's a valid question. I'm trying to answer why I care, and I can't seem to come up with a good reason. I don't think I have a good reason.

For every person you waste your valuable friendship on there might be another who would make it worthwhile for you both.

That makes a great deal of sense and is a great perspective. Thank you.

@golddust:  Your "friend" has a serious mental illness for which she has been less than compliant in getting treatment.  These borderline people often lash out at when the people they have leeched onto are now cutting them loose.  Be careful.

Been there, done that. I've broken it off with her several times over the last few years and she gets nutty. Those times, I've explained to her why I can't be her friend and she just exploded. Which, is the only thing I'd expect from a Borderline. But I thought I could reason with her. Joke was on me.

This time, I'm not explaining a thing. I explained before only because I felt she deserved to hear it, and needed to know why. She didn't care and won't care now because everyone else is always crazy and she's sane. I am simply slipping off into the night and she can deal with however she wants to and she can tell people anything she wants to. I ceased to really share much of my personal life with her after the first such incident anyway, so there's nothing she can use against me this time. Nothing really good, anyhow.

golddust!

she is not what i call a friend!

You know what to do! Just accept it and move on..... if this was a guy........ wouldn't he already be gone?

Kicks golddust squarely in the butt.

OW Hey! You've been taking lessons from mtlouie! At least take off the pointy toe boots, first! 

If this were a guy, ROFL. I would have sent him packing, to put it nicely.

You know I'm going to do the right thing. I always do. Eventually. 

This sounds just like these two homeless cats I know, Mephistopheles and Good Puddy.  They're very pretty and very sweet sometimes, but they've decided that I'm their best buddy in the world since I fed them some sardines once, and they've really glommed onto me.  Everytime I open the door they try to sneak in, then when I nudge them back and go to sit on the porch they wail and cry even if I tell them they're not going to get any food from me.  They're total users, even though they're kind of fun to hang out with sometimes.

I found out recently that Mephistopheles was a catnip abuser for several years before I met him.  I don't trust him in the house, I think he'd get Good Puddy to distract me while he steals some of the chicken.  But still, I sure could use a coupla friends, even ones I'm allergic to, and I really would hate to wake up some morning in the winter and see two little catsickles huddled in front of the door.

LOL.

So you're saying I should withhold the sardines from my friend and let her become a catsickle on my porch? Gotcha. 

[Macs UK]

They're total users

That's cats for you. They just have the cuteness to carry it off 

And when they bring rats round for dinner, it's for the menu, not the company 

Good luck, golddust - seems you've set your path, and FWIW I reckon it's the right path.

[fredd58]

See? It only took several days and 3 pages of advice for you to do what you knew you had to do from the first posting...
You just needed the sane and oh so wise people of LATOC to confirm what you already knew.
People like your friend are psychologically exhausting to deal with - take care of yourself.

[golddust]

See? It only took several days and 3 pages of advice for you to do what you knew you had to do from the first posting...
You just needed the sane and oh so wise people of LATOC to confirm what you already knew.
People like your friend are psychologically exhausting to deal with - take care of yourself.

 

Well, I came asking how to handle being her friend and not getting sucked dry at the same time. I really wanted to see from these oh so wise folks if they could advise me on doing that. Come to find out, they had an EVEN BETTER idea for how to deal with this friend. An idea that, I knew in the back of my mind would come to be someday. That day is just today, that's all.

Taking care of myself, not the toxic friends... wonderful idea. 

[golddust]

They're total users

That's cats for you. They just have the cuteness to carry it off 

And when they bring rats round for dinner, it's for the menu, not the company 

Good luck, golddust - seems you've set your path, and FWIW I reckon it's the right path.

Thank you, Macs. I believe I have made the right choice. I'm sad for her, that she chooses to be this way and forces the good people out of her life. I'm sad for what could have been, and I think that's what kept me around -- the potential if she just cleaned up her life. Now how many thousands of bad relationships continue on those terms every day?  Redreamer is right, if this were a romantic partner, dude would've been out the door ages ago. It should not be different for friends. And I'm feeling rather lighter already.

[golddust]

Not sure how this updating thing works? Oh I'll just go edit the original post with the new juicy details.

[ArmaGoof]

Well done golddust! You have made a very positive step in your own life, and who knows, maybe it will ultimately make her think some things through as well, though probably not.

BTW, it is customary to simply "reply" to your own thread with such "updates" - no need to require folks to turn back the pages, but that's really nitpicky on my part.

While we're on this topic though, I'll share a bit of similar drama in my life.  Without going into great detail, I decided that my Mother and Brother were two people I no longer wanted in my life about 16 months ago.  I've ignored all attempted contacts by phone or email from them.  They are in Ohio, myself in VA.  Yesterday, my Brother sent an email consisting of only a "Subject" line that read "Mother is sending you a letter". I haven't received it yet, but when I do, I'll start a new thread with all the details and plan on soliciting opinions from you all regarding my response, if any.

[golddust]

Well done golddust! You have made a very positive step in your own life, and who knows, maybe it will ultimately make her think some things through as well, though probably not.

BTW, it is customary to simply "reply" to your own thread with such "updates" - no need to require folks to turn back the pages, but that's really nitpicky on my part.

While we're on this topic though, I'll share a bit of similar drama in my life.  Without going into great detail, I decided that my Mother and Brother were two people I no longer wanted in my life about 16 months ago.  I've ignored all attempted contacts by phone or email from them.  They are in Ohio, myself in VA.  Yesterday, my Brother sent an email consisting of only a "Subject" line that read "Mother is sending you a letter". I haven't received it yet, but when I do, I'll start a new thread with all the details and plan on soliciting opinions from you all regarding my response, if any.

Thanks, Arma. I know it will make no difference to her, she's a narcissist. Something is wrong with me, I was a bad friend, but she was a saint. That's how she'll tell the story. And it bothers me on some level, but detaching means letting go, and not be entangled with her feelings and opinions on me. We knew each other off and on for 10 years, and there's good reason it was off more than it was on. She is from my past, but not part of my future and she made that choice when she decided to use me.

I have to say, I really feel good setting my boundaries. A few people have thrown some "well done!" and "Amen!" comments my way when I posted about it on Facebook (and here, too!) but I realize most people I know and am friends with didn't need to be told to step back, they weren't intruding in the first place. But it's nice to definitively know what they are so if the time comes again I can honor them.

I'm choosing to interact with people with integrity only from now on. I'm done with games and people with severe relationship dysfunction to the point where they don't know or care what it means to behave with respect and honesty towards people. I've finally had enough to do something real about it.

I'm very sorry about you losing your mother and brother. It sounds like it was painful but necessary in your life. We can't choose our relatives unfortunately, and sometimes they can be the most toxic of all. I take it that it has been ultimately positive for you? I hope I see the thread if and when you post about the letter. 

[Broil]

***

I'm quite happy with the direction of the thread. Now most of you know my plans for detaching and setting boundaries. Well, let me tell you! All I did was assert a few logical boundaries, like how she can make her own decisions but I don't have to allow anyone in my life I don't want to and how I get to choose what to respond to and how others needs aren't more important than my boundaries... well any of you on my Facebook know what I'm talking about, you saw the note or could easily find it. And I didn't direct it at her, I spoke it to the general population of Facebook. Then I wake up this morning to a very, very long message on Facebook where she went into painful detail of why my boundaries were selfish and unfair and how they would effect her badly and how it doesn't make me a good friend because what she wants is important and I'm not being supportive. One of you said she was a narcissist. 

I wrote back, asserted my boundaries again and stated they were not up for debate and I didn't need to justify myself. According to everyone else in my life I'm being perfectly reasonable. I said I was not going to argue and anyone who couldn't respect it was welcome to leave. No response, but her crackhead boyfriend called me a bitch. 
So I'm certain you all know the ending to this story. 

Thank you all for your no bullshit responses. I appreciate it. 

Here ya go, people will probably look for the update here.

[golddust]

Big huge font and all, Broil! Thanks. 

[houseoftang]

I said I was not going to argue and anyone who couldn't respect it was welcome to leave. No response, but her crackhead boyfriend called me a bitch.

Probably because now HE has to listen to her instead of wishing he could score some rock!

[Chickengirl]

Glad to hear you have removed what sounds like a pretty damn toxic person from your life 

If she's smart, she'll regret losing your friendship, but I'm not holding my breath on that account... she will likely blame it all on you, like you said 

(Armagoof, I've been doing the same "cleansing" in my life too, although it's only been about three months for me and my mum  not fun, but necessary, at least for now! will read the coming thread with great interest...)

[golddust]

I said I was not going to argue and anyone who couldn't respect it was welcome to leave. No response, but her crackhead boyfriend called me a bitch.

Probably because now HE has to listen to her instead of wishing he could score some rock!

ROFL... that just cracks me up.

 

[golddust]

Glad to hear you have removed what sounds like a pretty damn toxic person from your life 

If she's smart, she'll regret losing your friendship, but I'm not holding my breath on that account... she will likely blame it all on you, like you said 

(Armagoof, I've been doing the same "cleansing" in my life too, although it's only been about three months for me and my mum  not fun, but necessary, at least for now! will read the coming thread with great interest...)

Nah, I'm going to get the blame. You know she actually was dumb enough to talk about me behind my back to my own husband. He was like, what's wrong with this bitch? Ok, those weren't his words, he's far too polite for that. But that was the sentiment. Now she's mad at him that he ~betrayed~ her trust. They've known each other for about 5 whole seconds. 

Cleansing is a great way to put it. My mom is the next toxic person on my list that needs to understand my boundaries or hit the road. She's notorious for screwing with me and my mental health and I'm done with her too. She is an extremely negative, co-dependent, passive aggressive, attention seeking person. Snooze. It's time I got over people like this and got on with my life. As Jim said, who knows what worthwhile person is waiting when you remove your attention from someone undeserving of it? Why, just today I met a fabulous bunch of homesteaders. My husband was teaching a class on homesteading skills and they were awesome, a few were PO aware it seemed.  I bought a bunch of eggs from one lady that sells them from her personal farm, super cheap too.  Yeah, I'm crying a river of tears over these users and losers here. Just broken hearted, I tell ya.

[wiccawench]

removing psychic vampires is very VERY good for the soul. It is amazing how refreshed and free one feels in the aftermath of making the decision.

Proud of you girl. You know...... there is no looking back. Once you recognize the toxic people in your life...... well let's just say there is no unlearning. It just is. You have changed..... and in a way that will bring you much more happiness. Kudos. xox

There is a difference between knowing someone over time and a real friend. Seems to me some people take liberties with intimacy in relationships and you end up with baggage.... that no one needs.