Where the hell do they find these losers?! *Update*

[golddust]

However, if she is in fact borderline and is not receiving help, you run the very real risk of damaging your own mental and emotional help by continuing the relationship as it is.

FYI I'm definitely not a shrink, but I have a LOT of direct personal experience with this particular area....

Good luck to you.

She is Borderline and refuses to see psychiatrists anymore. She says they don't help so instead she has a whole shelf of books on the disorder and children of parents with the disorder. She just gets her medication from the general physician but I'm not seeing where it helps her at all.

That's really too bad.  How long did she see a psych?  From what I've read BPD takes a relatively long time to improve, 2-5 years of therapy for demonstrable results is not uncommon.  I also understand it takes a good deal of effort, and if she's just taking the meds then it sounds like she's not 100% on board with helping herself.

IMHO it's entirely possible for you to continue some sort of superficial (not the best word, but "shallow" sounds even worse... maybe "small-dose"?  ) friendship, but as I suggested you will have to be firm with your own boundaries.  If she cannot accept this, then what will be, will be.

I hope this turns out well for you.  Dealing with BPD (and children of BPD parents) can be exhausting.  You really have to be prepared to call "bullshit" when you see it, and stand firm.

She has been seeing psychiatrists for over a decade and for a wide variety of issues. I don't think she ever took it seriously, I think she just enjoyed collecting psychiatric labels and medications so she could "prove" there was something wrong with her and use the labels as excuses for not taking responsibility for her life and behavior.

I mentioned earlier I like being casual friends with her. When she isn't trying to vampire off me and put on shows in her theater of tragedy, we have fun just hanging out, watching a movie, getting something to eat, etc. Like I said she's not a BAD person, just a really fucked up person to put it bluntly. I normally like making deep, lasting friendships but sometimes with some people keeping it casual is all for the best.

And I think I need to pull away, detach, set cold hard boundaries and see if she gets frustrated when her attempts to vampire off me don't work. They already don't work well because I notice when she tries and fails she posts on Facebook about how she's exhausted and no one cares and she just wants to give up on life, etc, etc. She's not happy she didn't get her high. I suddenly see why a long term addict would be attracted her and vice versa. She is one too, it's just a different kind of high.

[nicekitty]

You have already decided that this person is trying to suck you dry ('psychic vampire')...my question is:  why would you keep that around you? 

Is there anything about the relationship that you value that makes it worth tolerating vampiric behaviors?  Personally, I tend to get rid of people / relationships that are damaging to me or my family...including people who take more than they give.  It sounds like this woman has introduced a series of nasty people to your life...She doesn't sound like much of a friend, to me...

I guess to me I think that it's possible to be around one of those if you know how to properly block their vampirism.

I never questioned that it was possible...I just question why you would put that much effort into it?

[wordnerd]

There is a great book about Borderlines - it is called " I hate you, don't leave me"
http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding/dp/0380713055

Reviews:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) has been in the official psychiatric lexicon only since 1980. "Borderlines," according to the authors, are people who suffer from a weak sense of identity and a fear of abandonment; given to rapid mood swings, impulsive self-destructiveness and violent outbursts, they frequently have family backgrounds marked by alcoholism, child abuse or emotional distance. Kreisman, a psychiatrist who heads a BPD unit in a St. Louis hospital, and health writer Straus, speculate that the BPD diagnosis might be applicable to Marilyn Monroe, Adolph Hitler, T. E. Lawrence and Muammar al Qaddafi. They claim that BPD afflicts over 10 million Americans and is the most common disorder among hospitalized mental patients.  

"AM I LOSING MY MIND?"
People with Borderline Personality Disorderexperience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 10 million sufferersof BPD living in America today -- each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

a shaky sense of identity
sudden violent outbursts
oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection
brief, turbulent love affairs
frequent periods of intense depression
eating disorders, drug abuse, and other
self-destructive tendencies
an irrational fear of abandonment and an
inability to be alone
For years BPD was difficult to describe, diagnose, andtreat. But now, for the first time, Dr. Jerold J. Kreismanand health writer Hal Straus offer much-neededprofessional advice, helping victims and their familiesto understand and cope with this troubling,shockingly widespread affliction.

[golddust]

I've read the description of BPD before, but that is absolutely her.

[golddust]

I also found this: http://www.helium.com/items/348986-how-to-deal-with-people-with-borderline-personality-disorder

"A few things I have learned about borderline personality is that you are only as good as the last thing you did for them."

"... when you don't please them they can act out and make you feel as though you have abandoned, abused or destroyed their life."

"Who you are today and what you mean to this person today may be different tomorrow, depending on where you stand with them, and that usually means how your most recent encounter went with them."

 

[Recovering Cornucopian]

One of the many inconsistencies that drove me away from religion was "Judge not, lest ye be judged." 

Not to endorse religion, but what I think that meant wasn't "Don't judge, period," but rather, "Don't judge any harsher than you can stand being judged." 

[ArmaGoof]

One of the many inconsistencies that drove me away from religion was "Judge not, lest ye be judged." 

Not to endorse religion, but what I think that meant wasn't "Don't judge, period," but rather, "Don't judge any harsher than you can stand being judged." 

Why do you believe that, golddust?

[houseoftang]

Most people invite folks "and guest" to their wedding.  We're not.  We're inviting specific guests.

I recommend you do the same for your doomstead.  It's pretty much what we'll be doing, I think.

Fiancee has a number of female friends who seem to date losers.  And they won't stop until they gain some self-respect and learn WHY they're selecting these morons.  Your best bet is to help your friend solve the problems with herself that are the root issue.

Sometimes, though, a person really is just too much drain on you.  And if you've known her for a long time and you've been trying to help her grow, and it's just not working, it's not likely to suddenly start working.  So from a purely pragmatic point of view, you're likely wasting your time.  With folks like that, I've often found that if you let things go cold for a while, a few years down the line they've grown up a bit without you.

[Six Gun Jim]

I'm sorry golddust if this sounds mean but is this person really worth all this? I read this whole thing and I don't see that this sounds like somebody that is going to benefit you in the long run. I hate to be cold but a friendship is mutually beneficial and this just doesn't sound much like that. I would say walk on my friend, see what lies at the next hilltop. For every person you waste your valuable friendship on there might be another who would make it worthwhile for you both. Sometimes letting go is easy. 

[Recovering Cornucopian]

One of the many inconsistencies that drove me away from religion was "Judge not, lest ye be judged." 

Not to endorse religion, but what I think that meant wasn't "Don't judge, period," but rather, "Don't judge any harsher than you can stand being judged." 

Why do you believe that, golddust?

I'm not golddust, and I'm not saying I believe it, I'm saying that's what the deeper meaning of Jesus' line was.  It was followed with the line about pointing out the speck in your neighbor's eye while ignoring the log on your own eye.  I could cite several biblical commentaries, but I don't know how well those would go over here.

Many on LATOC have expressed a fondness for Jesus' sayings while tasking organized Christianity to task, so I don't consider myself out of line here.

[Hope@ZeroKelvin]

@golddust:  Your "friend" has a serious mental illness for which she has been less than compliant in getting treatment.  These borderline people often lash out at when the people they have leeched onto are now cutting them loose.  Be careful.

Friendship is more that a two way street, each person has to give more than half for it to work.  You "friend" is a psychic vampire, you have got that exactly right.  What are you getting out of this?

You are clearly a caring person who wants to help others, but these BPD people know this and will just suck you dry.  She also sounds a bit narcissistic also.

Cut her loose, gently. 

[wiccawench]

golddust!

she is not what i call a friend!

You know what to do! Just accept it and move on..... if this was a guy........ wouldn't he already be gone?

Kicks golddust squarely in the butt.

[ArmaGoof]

One of the many inconsistencies that drove me away from religion was "Judge not, lest ye be judged." 

Not to endorse religion, but what I think that meant wasn't "Don't judge, period," but rather, "Don't judge any harsher than you can stand being judged." 

Why do you believe that, golddust?

I'm not golddust, and I'm not saying I believe it, I'm saying that's what the deeper meaning of Jesus' line was.  It was followed with the line about pointing out the speck in your neighbor's eye while ignoring the log on your own eye.  I could cite several biblical commentaries, but I don't know how well those would go over here.

Many on LATOC have expressed a fondness for Jesus' sayings while tasking organized Christianity to task, so I don't consider myself out of line here.

Are you saying the intent of the scripture was to say it is OK to point out the speck in another's eye as long as your eye is clean?  I think not, for even if your eye is clean, many parts of you are not.  The intent of the scripture was to suggest that one clean up one's own act and not judge others for theirs.  No one is without sin and all that stuff.  While it is human nature TO judge, and perhaps even necessary for survival to do so, I believe the scripture's intent was to negate the right of anyone to judge another.  A right, apparently reserved only for God himself.  My original point was that it should apply to Him, as well.

[Broil]

I also found this: http://www.helium.com/items/348986-how-to-deal-with-people-with-borderline-personality-disorder

"A few things I have learned about borderline personality is that you are only as good as the last thing you did for them."

"... when you don't please them they can act out and make you feel as though you have abandoned, abused or destroyed their life."

"Who you are today and what you mean to this person today may be different tomorrow, depending on where you stand with them, and that usually means how your most recent encounter went with them."

 

This sounds just like these two homeless cats I know, Mephistopheles and Good Puddy.  They're very pretty and very sweet sometimes, but they've decided that I'm their best buddy in the world since I fed them some sardines once, and they've really glommed onto me.  Everytime I open the door they try to sneak in, then when I nudge them back and go to sit on the porch they wail and cry even if I tell them they're not going to get any food from me.  They're total users, even though they're kind of fun to hang out with sometimes.

I found out recently that Mephistopheles was a catnip abuser for several years before I met him.  I don't trust him in the house, I think he'd get Good Puddy to distract me while he steals some of the chicken.  But still, I sure could use a coupla friends, even ones I'm allergic to, and I really would hate to wake up some morning in the winter and see two little catsickles huddled in front of the door.

[Six Gun Jim]

I also found this: http://www.helium.com/items/348986-how-to-deal-with-people-with-borderline-personality-disorder

"A few things I have learned about borderline personality is that you are only as good as the last thing you did for them."

"... when you don't please them they can act out and make you feel as though you have abandoned, abused or destroyed their life."

"Who you are today and what you mean to this person today may be different tomorrow, depending on where you stand with them, and that usually means how your most recent encounter went with them."

 

This sounds just like these two homeless cats I know, Mephistopheles and Good Puddy.  They're very pretty and very sweet sometimes, but they've decided that I'm their best buddy in the world since I fed them some sardines once, and they've really glommed onto me.  Everytime I open the door they try to sneak in, then when I nudge them back and go to sit on the porch they wail and cry even if I tell them they're not going to get any food from me.  They're total users, even though they're kind of fun to hang out with sometimes.

I found out recently that Mephistopheles was a catnip abuser for several years before I met him.  I don't trust him in the house, I think he'd get Good Puddy to distract me while he steals some of the chicken.  But still, I sure could use a coupla friends, even ones I'm allergic to, and I really would hate to wake up some morning in the winter and see two little catsickles huddled in front of the door.

  nice